Cover Art By Tango

By LadyKate

She couldn't stay in bed. Gabrielle paced around the room for a while, then grabbed the scroll with Virgil's epic poem and tried to read it, but the letters danced meaninglessly before her eyes; they might as well have been those strange symbols they used for writing in Ch'in. Setting the scroll aside, she rose and paced some more, wondering if it was already over.

After a while she put out the lamp, walked to the window and pushed the shutters wide open. The nearly full moon was veiled in a red-tinted mist. What if it was a sign that the God of War had returned to Olympus? Gabrielle twitched her nose at this superstitious silliness. Would there be any kind of sign, any tangible change in the world, if he regained his godhood? Why should there be -- nothing special had happened the first two times...

She looked down at the almost empty street below, where a couple of torches mounted into the wall added their orange glow to the moonlight. Two chattering women walked past, then a man scolding a whiny child. A lone rider rode by at a trot; the bright clacking of hooves on the cobblestones echoed down the street and faded gradually, merging with the sound of somebody's footsteps. A tall female shadow danced into view. Gabrielle held her breath ... no, not Xena.

Unable to stand still, she began to walk around again. What would happen when Xena returned? Would Xena come to her? Would she talk about what happened, would she show that she was hurt, or keep a stiff upper lip and hold it all in? Would she want to be comforted? The thought of comforting Xena, knowing that it was she who had deliberately caused her pain, made Gabrielle stop and shiver in her thin linen tunic, hugging her shoulders.

She went back toward the window, just in time to hear the front door slam below. Her heart leaped in joy and fear. Xena. She ran to the bed and climbed under the covers, waiting for the familiar footsteps in the hallway. The silence taunted her, with its distant echoes of laughter and singing in the downstairs tavern.

After a while she got up and walked to the window again, and leaned on the windowsill. Wind ruffled her hair, bringing with it the fresh salty smell of the sea; a wispy grayish cloud that had half-hidden the moon floated past it. Somewhere out of sight, a bucket was emptied with a loud splash. Two cats screeched at each other. The tavern door creaked open and a man and a woman tumbled out, laughing hoarsely, grabbing at each other. A whiff of roasted meat reached Gabrielle's nostrils, making her wince; the thought of food sickened her. There were footsteps again; this time, she knew it wasn't Xena even before she saw the stooping figure of a woman wobble by, basket in hand. Another gust of wind made the woman pull her shawl tighter about herself.

And then, Gabrielle saw them.

Them.

Xena and Ares, walking together, hand in hand.

She shrank back from the window, even though they couldn't have seen her in the darkness of the room. The floor seemed to have vanished from under her; her heart lurched and then hovered in a dizzying void. She was dimly conscious of staggering toward the bed, but she barely felt her legs or feet, as if they were filled with water.

What ... how?

Maybe Geryon had chickened out. Maybe ... maybe Ares had actually turned down the ambrosia. Maybe --

Her head was spinning. She pressed her fingers to her temples. Think. Think.

Maybe Ares was a god now -- only, instead of going back to Olympus, he had decided to hang around.

Never thought of that, did you? You stupid, stupid girl.

Maybe Geryon had given her away.

Gabrielle reached for the mug of water on her nightstand. Her hand trembled; she knocked the mug over and heard it shatter, the sound exploding inside her skull. She tried to take a deep breath.

There were footsteps and voices in the hallway. Shaking, Gabrielle scrambled to climb under the blanket. At first, her face and neck had been on fire; now she felt as if she'd been dunked in icy water.

Xena stopped at her door and said something to Ares. He walked on; slowly, with a soft squeak, the door was pushed ajar.

"Gabrielle?" Xena whispered.

Her face turned to the wall, she breathed as evenly as she could, hoping she wouldn't give herself away. She couldn't, just couldn't face Xena right now.

Gabrielle heard her come closer and stand over the bed, then felt her tug slightly at the bedclothes. She tensed -- was Xena going to get into bed with her? -- but instead Xena tucked in the blanket and fixed up her pillow, and then turned and walked away, closing the door almost soundlessly.

Gabrielle sat up, her forehead damp with sweat.

Now what?

She had to know what happened.

The blood was thumping insistently at her temples. Got to know. Got to know.

She got up, shuddering as her bare feet touched the unexpected cold wetness of the floor - oh yes -- the broken mug...

She walked around, trying to calm herself down.

She could wait until tomorrow morning.

No, she couldn't. Another moment without knowing and she would die.

Maybe they were going to talk about it. Maybe if she went over and listened...

Crazy. That was crazy. She might hear --

The thought made her dizzy and feverish.

Maybe she could risk it. If she heard them... if she heard that ... she could always walk away. Anything was better than not knowing.

Gabrielle tiptoed out into the murky hallway, praying to whatever entity was in charge of legs that hers wouldn't fail her.

She stopped outside Ares' room and steeled herself for the worst. She heard nothing at first -- that was good -- and then, listening closer, picked up Xena's muffled voice.

Careful to make no sound, she got down on her knees and put her ear to the door. It was too late to be ashamed of herself.

She had to know.

* ~ * ~ *

"Where do you think he got it?" Xena asked.

She lay relaxed, her head nestled on Ares' shoulder, his arm around her, her hand wandering lazily over his warm, sweat-slick chest. Their lovemaking had been too fast, after all the tension they'd built up on the way back stopping to exchange feverish kisses in a deserted lane here and under a portico there -- fast but still satisfying. They had left the lamp on, and she was glad; more than on any other night, she wanted to see him.

"You know what? I bet it was Sis.”

Xena raised her head, frowning a little. She had almost forgotten that Ares, mortal as he was, still had a family of gods ... well, what was left of it after she was done. She pushed back the guilt: she had been protecting her daughter. But even apart from that, something about it bothered her, as if they could still come and reclaim him, despite the choice he'd made.

"You mean -- Aphrodite?”

"Yeah." He ran his hand through her hair, winding a strand of it around his finger. "She popped in a while back -- said she'd have brought me ambrosia but Apollo and the rest of 'em wouldn't let her.”

"When was that?”

"Hmm... just before we got to Megara.”

Just before Megara... It seemed as if ages had passed since then. That was when Gabrielle begged her to send Ares away, and then changed her mind. Xena shivered and pressed closer to Ares. She wasn't sure what was worse: the thought that she had nearly lost him then, or the memory of Gabrielle's almost-breaking voice saying, I can't go on like this anymore -- and the knowledge that they were still going on like this. And yet what was there to do? It wasn't just that giving up Ares would break her heart; she could make that sacrifice for Gabrielle ... yes, she could. But doing that to him after he'd risked his life to save her daughter, after he'd given up his godhood for her a second time -- not on the spur of the moment, not to save her life, but because he chose to stay with her -- that was unthinkable.

"You didn't tell me," Xena said quietly. Would he have taken the ambrosia then if it had been offered to him? Maybe it didn't matter...

Ares twitched a shoulder. "I didn't feel like talking about it.”

She sensed his unease, and dimly understood what a tangle of emotions he must have felt after Aphrodite's visit: regret for his lost godhood, confusion about what he would do it he had a chance to get it back, the humiliation of facing his still-divine sister as a common mortal. She reached out to stroke his face.

"It's okay.”

He put his hand over hers and closed his eyes.

"That was a smart move," she said after a moment, "what you did with the ambrosia. Wouldn't want to leave something like that lying around.”

Ares opened his eyes and grinned at her. "See, I'm not as dumb as you think.”

"You think I like dumb guys?”

"A-hah." He pulled her toward him. "So you do admit you like me.”

His lips covered hers and she sighed, oblivious to everything but the soft heat of his mouth.

She drew away and looked at him, and touched his face again, brushing her fingertips over his cheek and his lips.

"You think it'll burn forever?" he asked.

"Maybe...”

The contented look on his face turned pensive, a touch of sadness and apprehension clouding his eyes. "After I'm -- “

His voice trailed off and they lay quietly for a while, holding each other.

She needed to ask him, even though she wasn't sure she should, and even though she probably knew the answer.

"Why did you do it?”

Ares' hand lay flat on her back, so warm, so comfortable, so human.

Finally, he said, "I gave up my godhood for you, didn't I? I don't take my gifts back.”

His voice was flippant; but when she looked up into his eyes, they were tender and serious.

"What if I'd given you the ambrosia?" she asked. She hadn't thought of this before. "What if it was my gift to you?”

He brushed the hair back from her face, and ran his thumb over the corner of her mouth.

"Would you have taken it with me?”

Slowly, Xena shook her head. "I'd miss you. But I would always choose to -- stay human.”

His eyes were locked on hers, as if searching for something.

"Maybe," he said, "that's your gift to me.”

A warm wave surged inside her, filling her chest, rising to her eyes and threatening to overflow. She kissed him, and kept kissing him until they both had to pull back and catch their breath, and then leaned forward to kiss him again.

"Ares...”

"What?"

She was still afraid to say it. Once she did, there was no turning back, no more pretending that some day she could go back to her life with Gabrielle the way it had been -- and still no conceivable way to avoid destroying at least one of the two people she loved. But she had to say it, now that she knew she wasn't saying it to the God of War.

"I love you.”

His eyes widened and he drew in his breath, pulling her close. She thought he was going to kiss her again, but instead he pressed his face into her hair and rocked her quietly in his arms, his broken whisper hot in her ear -- "I love you, Xena -- I love you -- love you so much...”

Then they were quiet again, lying next to each other, her head resting on his arm. After a while she said, "You're not going to miss it?”

"Me?" He chuckled. "Maybe you don't know what you're missing." He turned, propping himself up on his elbow, and looked down on her, his eyes twinkling gently. "As a god" -- he pressed his hand to her belly, his fingers splayed -- "I could do this and make you glow...”

"Ares," she murmured, her eyes half-closed. "You are making me glow.”

Ares laughed and dipped down to kiss her. "You ain't seen nothing yet.”

He lay on top of her and slid down, and she trembled and moaned as his mouth trailed to the spot where his hand had been before.

Gabrielle felt as if she had left her body and was watching herself, a small thing in a white shirt huddled on the grubby floor. She noticed that she wasn't crying; she was too numb to cry, too numb to move. It occurred to her, or at least to the part of her that was watching from the outside, that she could pass out right there by the door and Xena would find her. The horror of that thought momentarily jolted her out of her stupor, and she forced herself to get up. Her room, only four doors down the hallway, might as well have been leagues away.

Out of the jumble in her mind, Xena's voice floated up, saying, I love you. She stopped and closed her eyes, leaning against the wall, a dry sob clutching at her throat. She said it to me, she told herself. She said it to me.

No she didn't.

Somehow, she walked on; somehow, eventually, she got to her room, and managed to get into her bed before she sank into a dreamless nothingness.

* ~ * ~ *

Still in the dark, Gabrielle felt something cool and wet touch her forehead. She was aching and burning all over; her eyelids felt heavy and bloated, but somehow she managed to lift them a little. She saw her hands lying still and white on the badly patched gray blanket, as if carved of stone. She moved a finger to make sure they were still alive, still hers.

She opened her eyes wider and saw Xena's worried face leaning over her.

"Hey," Xena said softly.

Gabrielle blinked and licked her lips; her mouth felt as if she'd swallowed a spoonful of mud.

"I, huh" -- she tried to clear her throat. "What's wrong?”

"You're ill," Xena said, adjusting the wet cloth on her forehead. She was sitting on the edge of Gabrielle's bed, in her leather tunic but without armor or weapons. "You wouldn't wake up this morning -- I checked you and you were burning up ..." Her mouth tightened and she looked down. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone last night.”

Last night... Gabrielle wondered if the whole thing had been a nightmare.

"It's okay," she said. "How was -- how was the party?”

When Xena raised her eyes, the look on her face was timid, almost guilty.

"What is it?”

Xena looked away. "Nothing.”

"Xena..." With an effort, she raised her hand and put it on top of Xena's. "Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Xena was silent for a moment, as if working herself up for a leap. Finally, she said almost brusquely, "The priest offered Ares ambrosia and he turned it down.”

All Gabrielle could do was breathe out a soft, "Oh." She wasn't going to fake shock. She wasn't going to lie anymore.

"He could have had it all," Xena blurted out, as if in spite of herself. "And he did it again.”

"He really loves you," Gabrielle whispered. Maybe it was only now that she realized this fully.

It always stopped her heart to see Xena's eyes so soft and vulnerable; only now, this softness was not for her but for Ares, and in a moment it gave way to another look, stricken and scared. Xena leaned closer, and the touch of her lips was gentle and soothing on Gabrielle's forehead. Gabrielle closed her eyes. She didn't want to think about anything, not yet.

"I made something for you to bring down the fever," Xena said, sitting up.

Gabrielle sat up, flinching as the damp cloth slid down to her chest, and took the clay cup from Xena's hand. The bitter shock of the willow-bark brew seared her mouth and made her throat tighten. She drained it all. Xena stroked her hair while she drank, and handed her a cup of water afterwards.

As Xena took the cup from her, a slight chill made Gabrielle shiver, and Xena drew her close and held her for a moment, rubbing her back through the thin cloth of her nightshirt.

"Do you want anything else? I can bring down some porridge or broth from the tavern -- “

"Not right now, thanks. I think I'll get some more sleep.”

"Okay." Xena eased her down on her back, smoothing the pillow for her, pulling up the blanket.

"You don't have to stay with me," Gabrielle muttered as she closed her eyes, surrendering to a feverish, foggy, oddly pleasurable weakness.

When she woke up some time later, she had a dim recollection of the dream she'd had, a dream in which Ares was a god again and she and Xena were trying to stop him from doing something nasty to the Amazons. The sound of Ares' voice jolted her, and for a hazily alarming moment dream and reality were mixed in her head -- but it was only Ares telling Xena that she needed new boots.

Gabrielle stirred; her bedclothes and her nightshirt were damp and sticky with sweat, and she was still weak, but she also felt a strange lightness. She turned and opened her eyes. A candle was burning on the small bedside table; Xena sat by the bed mending her boot while Ares slouched against the door.

Xena looked up with an anxious smile, her eyes golden in the candlelight.

"How are you feeling?”

"Much better." She sat up and marveled at the realization that she was hungry, and that being hungry felt good. "I think I'm ready to eat.”

"I'll bring you something.”

"I can come down to -- “

"No, no -- you stay here." Xena reached over to smooth her hair. "I'll be right back. Chicken soup and bread -- how does that sound?”

"Sounds great.”

As Xena got up, Gabrielle looked over to Ares, who was shifting his feet and studying the chipped paint on the wall.

"Hello, Ares," she said.

He gave her a startled look, as if he had only just noticed her presence, and mumbled, "Hello.”

Gabrielle watched him open the door and leave with Xena, and listened to their steps fading down the hallway. She got out of bed, walked to the window, still a little unsteady on her feet, and opened the shutters. It was late; the cloudless sky had turned a deep blue, and the gray buildings looked golden in the setting sun.

She leaned on the windowsill, letting the breeze caress her face. It occurred to her that in the end, all her planning and plotting, all her cleverness, all her acting had only accomplished one thing: to bring Xena and Ares even closer together, to strengthen their bond -- possibly make it unbreakable -- and ensure that she could never again ask Xena to send Ares away. Yet somehow, she felt no anger at this thought, no bitterness, no despair. It was just a fact, just as it was a fact that the day was almost over.

Maybe it was just what she deserved.

In her determination to win Xena back, she had been willing to do anything. Hurt Xena. Deny Ares his chance to be a good man. Send the God of War back to Olympus. Betray her Amazon sisters. Betray herself.

Every step of the way, she had told herself that somehow, she'd fix it all when this was over. She had acted with so little thought of the consequences, without even stopping to think that if Ares regained his godhood, he might want payback for what the Amazons had put him through. Somehow, she had talked herself into believing that whatever she did until Ares was out of their lives didn't matter -- wasn't quite real. But everything was real, and nothing could be fixed.

"Thank you, Ares," she whispered into the dusk. She had thanked him once before for giving up his godhood and saving her life; now he had given it up again, for whatever reasons of his own -- and maybe saved her soul. Could she have lived with herself if her plan had succeeded? If she could, that would have been the worst thing of all.

The door opened, and Xena came in, carrying a tray. She stopped and frowned.

"What are you doing up? And by the window -- “

"I'm fine, Xena -- really." She looked at the steaming bowl. "That smells wonderful.”

She sat down on the bed and started to eat, savoring every mouthful as the invigorating warmth melted into her body.

"First thing tomorrow morning," Xena said, "I'm going down to the docks to tell the captain we're not getting on this boat. We'll catch the next one after you get a good rest.”

"Don't be silly. I told you I'm all right.”

"You had a pretty bad fever just a few hours ago.”

"And now I'm fine.”

"Well, we'll just see how you feel in the morning." Xena sat down next to her. "I've found out a few more things about those pirates from a couple of sailors. There's no real pattern to their attacks -- the next strike could come at any time.”

They talked some more about the pirates and the plans to fight them, and after a while Gabrielle noticed that Xena was getting drowsy.

"Go get some sleep," she said, stroking her arm. "You're tired. And you've -- we've got a big day ahead of us.”

"Yeah." Xena yawned and rubbed her eyes. "Want me to sleep here?”

"Not tonight. It's a pretty small bed" -- Gabrielle smiled -- "and we both need a good rest." And I need to think.

They hugged and she rested her head on Xena's shoulder, and felt the warmth of Xena's lips on her neck.

"Okay then." Xena got up. "If the fever comes back -- I left some more potion here" -- she pointed to the table, yawning again -- "and there's apple cider... and water in the basin...”

"Thanks. Now go on before you pass out in the hallway.”

Left alone, Gabrielle lay down and stared at the wall, as if trying to find meaning in the bizarre pattern created by the peeling paint and the traces of flies and mosquitoes squashed by previous occupants.

She had to understand how this could have happened; how she could have lost her way so completely, where she had gone wrong. Maybe it was when she decided that she would rather give Xena her blessing to bed Ares than risk losing her, or even risk having Xena's feelings for Ares come between them. Or maybe it was long before that. She thought of the time she lay ill in a cave, still racked by guilt over killing Korah -- of Xena's anguished cry, "I set you on a path you were never meant to walk," and her own words: "Any path is okay, Xena, as long as it's with you.”

It wasn't okay.

Oh, maybe it was right for Ares. It had occurred to her before that she and Ares had both given up everything they were, everything they'd held dear, for the woman they loved. Only, for Ares, being simply the man who loved Xena and walked her path had to be an improvement over what he had been before: a full-time killer, more or less, drunk on destruction and power. But she -- she had wanted to find a way beyond hatred and killing. She had been wrong to give up fighting completely, she knew that now; but once, even as a fighter, she had made it her goal to avoid bloodshed, to bring compassion to her battles. She had almost forgotten that -- and lost something vital that Xena needed from her ... no, not just that. She had lost something that made her herself.

And, finally, she had followed Xena's path to a place that was -- or should have been - unthinkable.

This time, when the memory of their last night in Megara crept up on her, she didn't push it back into its corner the way she had before. The night she had gotten drunk to put herself out of her misery, and then ... the rest was a blur, but she remembered that she had hurt Xena. "That's what you want, isn't it ... ?" Maybe a part of her had really believed that she could please Xena by being like that -- that she was too nice and gentle in bed and Xena would always want more, and so she had to give her more, even if it meant becoming someone she wasn't. But it had been anger and desperation too, and wanting Xena to hurt the way she was hurting. She wasn't sure which was worse.

At least she'd been drunk then. She didn't have that excuse when she went even further; when she saw the Amazons' ambrosia and thought she had found a way to solve her problem.

In the end, she had become someone she barely knew -- someone she couldn't respect or even like.

Until I'm lost -- and then it seems that death is near me...

The words made her shudder. Lost... Once, the thought of it had seemed beautiful. Now, it was frightening.

She had to find herself again. There was only one way to do that, no matter how it hurt.

When she imagined it -- actually saying good-bye, hugging and kissing Xena for what could be the last time, riding away with the knowledge that every step was taking her further away from her one and only love -- the odd sense of peace she had felt since her awakening broke down, and she started to weep quietly, the tears streaming down her face and soaking the lumpy pillow. She thought of a day long ago when she took Xena's hand and got up in the saddle and rode away with her, wanting to see the world, wanting adventure, wanting to be a hero and a warrior just like Xena. But the world had been brutal, and the adventures had turned to nightmares, and the warrior's way was not for her. In the end, all she had really cared about was being with Xena. And now, that was over.

Other memories came to her: memories of tender moments by the campfire, of being comforted in Xena's arms after the horror of her first kill, of washing each other's hair and laughing at each other's jokes, and so many other memories, good and bad, heartwarming and heartbreaking, and Gabrielle cried and cried until she drifted into sleep again.

By the time she woke up, the candle had burned out. She got out of bed and stumbled toward the window. The first streak of grey was already showing on the black sky.

Kneeling on the floor, Gabrielle reached into her saddlebag and groped for a candle. Her fingers brushed against a piece of faintly warm glass, and for a moment she was petrified. The rest of the ambrosia, the half she had kept -- she'd forgotten all about it. For a moment she felt feverish again, fighting back a wave of nausea as she jerked her hand away. She'd have to dispose of it somehow.

She found the candle and lit it, then went over to the basin to wash her face. The apple cider Xena had left for her was on the bedside table, in her favorite clay cup; she drank it slowly. She got dressed, and put away her nightshirt in one of her two saddlebags. Looking around the room, she picked up a few more possessions: the scroll with Virgil's poem, the cup, a flask of scented body oil, a mirror in which she glimpsed her haggard face. Fortunately, there wasn't much packing to do.

Now came the hard part.

She picked up the candle, tiptoed out into the hallway and headed toward Xena's door.

Halfway there, she stopped and stood still for a few moments, thinking. Then she turned around and went to Ares' room.

* ~ * ~ *

Holding her breath, Gabrielle closed the door behind her. It felt strange being here, in this room where, along with the stale smell common to cheap inns, she could catch a faint, unmistakable male scent. Ares' leathers lay on the lone chair in the room in a messier heap than she expected, his boots, swordbelt and sword flung casually by the wall. Lowering the candle, she saw his pendant gleam softly on the bedside table next to a half-eaten bread loaf. Ares was sprawled on the bed, his blanket half off, his breath coming out in even puffs, his face peaceful. He had made love to Xena in this bed. She looked down, vague anxiety fluttering in her stomach; an image ran through her mind of Ares kneeling on the floor with his face buried between Xena's thighs, her body arching toward him. She tossed her head and put the candle down on the bedside table.

"Ares," she said.

He didn't respond, and she repeated it louder until he stirred and muttered an annoyed "Mmph.”

"Ares, wake up.”

Ares opened his eyes and blinked at the light. "Um -- wha- ?" He sat up brusquely. "Are you crazy?”

"I need to talk to you.”

He eyed her so warily that she wondered if he thought she was going to attack him or --

"All right," he said, throwing off the blanket -- she flinched back before she saw that he was wearing those rather threadbare blue linen pants -- and slinging his feet over the edge of the bed. "What's going on?”

She wasn't sure how and where to start. Finally she said, "Promise me you're not going to tell Xena.”

After a moment he said uncertainly, "All right.”

Gabrielle sighed and looked down at her clasped hands.

"It was me," she said.

"What was you?”

"The -- the" -- for some reason she couldn't bring herself to the say the word. "The other day at the temple...”

Her words hung in a silence that seemed to stretch into infinity. Downstairs, a door slammed.

When Ares spoke, his voice was very quiet. "What?”

She forced herself to look at him. She expected him to be furious, or maybe to offer her mocking congratulations, something like, "Well played." Instead, he was staring at her, squinting a little, his mouth hanging open. It would have been funny, except that he looked hurt and she couldn't bear it.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"You're sorry?" Ares grimaced, the hurt in his face wiped away by anger. He rose abruptly and came at her, grabbing her shoulders, backing her into the wall. "You little bitch -- do you know what you -- “

His voice broke off. ... what you put me through, she finished for him mentally.

Ares let go of her and balled his fists, breathing hard; for a moment she thought he would hit her. He clenched his jaw and lowered his eyes, then lurched back to the bed and sat down heavily, his shoulders sagging.

"Where the hell did you get it?" he asked, still staring down.

"From the Amazons.”

"The Amazons... You mean -- they really had it?”

"Artemis gave it to them. I think it was for safekeeping -- you know, as insurance against the Twilight -- “

"Artemis..." There was a puzzled note in his voice. "So maybe it was really her in my dream...”

"They didn't know they had it -- she told them it was sacred ointment...”

"And you stole it and set up that whole thing with what's-his-name -- Geryon.”

"Yeah.”

He snorted. "Smart.”

"Don't say that," she whispered.

Ares raised his head, and when their eyes met she saw something like understanding in his look.

"You really wanted to get rid of me, huh.”

"I couldn't take it anymore," she said.

He nodded, as if thinking it over. Then he gave her a crooked grin.

"So that's your idea of getting rid of a guy -- try to make him a god. Once a goody-two-shoes, always a goody-two-shoes.”

She shook her head with a short, edgy laugh.

"And you thought that if I got my godhood back, I'd clear out," he said, almost with disbelief -- perhaps marveling at her naivetι, perhaps wondering if she had been right; she couldn't tell.

She needed to ask him something else. "Ares... If you had gotten it back -- would you have wanted to punish the Amazons in some way?”

"Hmm..." He scrunched up his eyebrows. "Nothing too bad. Maybe have them sacrifice their firstborn children for the next couple of centuries or so." He chuckled at her stricken look. "Don't tell me you fell for that one!”

She said nothing, and his mocking expression softened into a blurry reflective look, as if he himself wasn't sure about the answer to her question -- perhaps didn't want to be sure. After a moment he asked, "Why did you tell me?”

"I had to tell someone." It came to her, then. "Maybe it was because I knew you wouldn't - wouldn't judge me.”

She remembered what he had said to her long ago, about Xena: I would never judge her. Now, she could understand why Xena needed that.

"So," he said. "You've told me. Now what?”

"Now -- I'm going away.”

Ares stared at her, as if he had half expected her announcement but was still taken aback by it. "Why?”

"You're asking me why?" The sound she made could have been either a bitter laugh or a short sob. "I told you -- I can't go on like this. It's not just her and you, it's ... I -- I don't know who I am anymore.”

"You think too much," he said. The amusement in his eyes had a touch of warmth.

"Don't tell me you'll miss me.”

He arched an eyebrow. "Who knows -- maybe I've gotten used to you...”

It was hard to tell if he was joking or not.

On a sudden impulse, Gabrielle stepped closer and leaned down toward him. Startled, he ducked out of the way, and his forehead collided rather painfully with her chin.

"Ow." He rubbed his head and shot her an alarmed look. "What are you doing?”

She felt herself blushing. "I wanted to kiss you good-bye.”

He looked surprised and rather touched, though she still couldn't be sure that he wasn't making fun of her. She leaned forward again, putting her hand on his arm, and pressed her lips to his cheek, feeling the warmth of his skin and the tingly hint of stubble. He patted her shoulder a bit stiffly, as if she were an animal that he didn't quite know what to do with; it reminded her of his awkward first attempt to pet that dog they'd found on the farm.

She stood up straight.

"Good-bye, Ares.”

"What are you going to do?" he asked, and immediately looked like he wished he hadn't.

"I'm not sure. Spend some time with my family. Write... I'll be okay." She paused and added quietly, "I know you'll take good care of her.”

He cleared his throat and looked away. "You're leaving right now?”

"After I talk to her.”

She picked up the candle and went to the door. Already about to leave, she turned and saw him staring at her thoughtfully and a bit apprehensively; she wondered if he thought that Xena might kick him out rather than let her leave.

"Good luck," she said.

"Yeah," he muttered. "You too.”

* ~ * ~ *

"I'll come back for you soon. Promise.”

Xena pressed her cheek against the warm silkiness of Argo's neck. Unable to go back to sleep, she had come down to the inn's stables to check on the horses, which would be staying here for the trip to Lemnos. There was a peculiar comfort in the familiar smell of horses and hay and ripe straw, in the animal warmth that breathed in the still-dark air.

"So you think Gabrielle is okay?" She patted the mare's muzzle. "Yeah ... she'll be all right. We're going to be all right." If there was still a "we..." Ever since Megara -- and she didn't want to think about what happened there, Gabrielle hadn't been herself that night -- there had been a kind of emptiness between them; there had been moments when it seemed as if Gabrielle couldn't bear to be touched by her.

Argo snorted softly, and Xena shook her head and sighed. "Who am I kidding... Even you know better than that." She was silent for a moment, running her fingers through Argo's mane. "I bet you're disappointed -- you expected better from me, didn't you. Guess I can't fight or think my way out of this one... And what am I doing talking to you about it, huh? You shouldn't even know about this kind of stuff.”

She patted Argo's flank. You know things are bad when you can't even talk about it with your horse.

She heard a rustle behind her and looked back sharply. The blue-tinted shadows moved, and a small figure emerged into the cloud of light from the lantern Xena had put down on the ground.

"Gabrielle.”

She fought back the knowledge that something was wrong.

"I figured you might be here," Gabrielle said. Xena stepped closer to her and smiled. Everything was all right.

"Hey." She reached out, taking Gabrielle's hands; they were chilly and a bit moist. "How are you feeling?”

"Okay." Gabrielle's lips twitched and she looked down. "I -- Xena...”

"What -- what is it?" She hugged Gabrielle, stroking her hair and her cool downy back, wanting to hold her forever, to chase away her own growing dread. Gabrielle leaned into her and relaxed for a moment, sighing into her breast -- and then pulled back and looked up, so that their eyes met.

"I have to -- " In the half-darkness, Gabrielle's eyes were a deep misty green. "I'm -- I'm not going to Lemnos.”

"That's all right." Xena pressed her hand to Gabrielle's cheek. "I told you we should stay here until you're well -- we'll just catch the next boat.”

"Xena..." Gabrielle caught her wrist and held it. "That's -- not what I meant.”

So this was it then. The ground under Xena's feet was gone for a moment, and she felt dizzy. Then it passed.

"You..." she said. "You're -- “

"I have to." Gabrielle spoke with a desperate intensity, as if trying to convince Xena or maybe herself that she meant it, or that she was doing the right thing. "I'll always love you, Xena. But I have to do this.”

As Gabrielle let go of her wrist, spots of light quivered and danced before Xena's eyes. Hopelessly, she tried to hold on and put the pieces back together. "Gabrielle -- wait -- I could -- “

"Don't tell me you can send Ares away," Gabrielle said. "You can't -- not now. And besides..." She shook her head, and the sudden harshness that had come into her voice gave way to a vague wistfulness. "It isn't just about you and Ares.”

"You mean..." She deserved it; she had taken Gabrielle's loyalty and love for granted, and now... "You mean there's -- “

"There's no one else." Gabrielle almost smiled. "I mean, it's about me, too. I need to understand some things about myself -- who I am and what my path is...”

Xena lowered her eyes. She had thought about it herself all these years, had even said it to Gabrielle. I set you on a path you were never meant to walk... The memory was achingly vivid in her mind. And Gabrielle had told her that any path was okay as long as --

No. She wasn't even going to think it. She had no right, just as she had no right to pull Gabrielle into her arms and smother her with kisses the way she longed to do right now, looking at Gabrielle's tender face and soft half-open lips. After all the pain she'd caused Gabrielle, there was one thing she could still do for her.

"I understand," she said quietly.

"You'll always be a part of me," Gabrielle said. "That's not going to change.”

That hurt more than anything, more than if Gabrielle had screamed at her, hit her, called her names.

"I'm sorry, Gabrielle." She choked back tears. "I'm so sorry for everything...”

"It isn't anyone's fault. Xena, I want you to know -- if I could go back to the day we first met -- if had to make that choice all over again -- I would still follow you.”

They hugged then, and as Xena rested her head on Gabrielle's shoulder she tried to push away thoughts of all the things they would never share again.

"No matter where your path takes you," she said, "I'll be with you.”

"I know." Gabrielle drew back, her eyes huge and shiny. "We'll see each other again, I know we will. Once I -- get my bearings." She paused, and her lips moved in a soundless "I love you.”

Xena took Gabrielle's hands and lifted them up to her face, holding them gently, and pressed her cheek and then her mouth to the back of Gabrielle's hand. Then she knew she had to let go.

She stood back while Gabrielle went over to Clio, led her out of the pen and began to strap on her saddle. It was something she had seen Gabrielle do hundreds of times; only now, Gabrielle was leaving. A bleak heaviness coiled around Xena's heart as she looked away. Day was now streaming in through the open door of the stable, and its light made the lantern fade.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

Gabrielle looked back at her. "To Potadeia at first. Then maybe to Athens." She turned away again, checking the harness to make sure it was securely fastened. "Don't worry about me... I'll be all right.”

"I know you will be," Xena said.

Quietly, Gabrielle added, "And so will you.”

She re-checked the harness and went back to the door where, Xena only now noticed, she had put down her saddlebags. She was really going away.

Don't go, please don't leave me. But she could only say it in her mind.

They didn't hug this time, only held hands.

"Good-bye, Xena.”

"Gabrielle..." Xena moved her lips but her voice failed her at first. Please don't go. Aloud, she said, "Take care of yourself.”

Gabrielle's fingertips brushed against her palms, and then they weren't touching anymore.

"You too." With a small sigh, Gabrielle turned to Argo and patted her on the neck. "Bye, Argo.”

She was really leaving. Xena pressed her lips together.

She watched as Gabrielle got in the saddle and rode toward the door, into a burst of sunlight that made her and her horse look silvery-white like an apparition.

Xena stood still, listening as the hoofbeat receded down the still-quiet street.

She leaned against Argo's warm flank, the tears flowing freely now.

Then she said it. "I love you, Gabrielle...”

* ~ * ~ *

Shielding her eyes, Gabrielle looked up at the sun. It was about an hour past noon; the ship carrying Xena was already out to sea. A few times, riding along a mostly deserted narrow road, she had wondered if there was still time to turn back. Not anymore.

She unhooked the flask from her belt to get a sip of water and then, for no particular reason, remembered the ambrosia she still had in her saddlebag.

After a few minutes, she slowed down and turned off the path, and rode through a sparse grove and up the slope of a low hill beyond which, not too far, lay the sea.

Soon, she reached the rocky beach, where small pebbles crunched under Clio's hooves and where a few seagulls, startled from their meal by her appearance, flew up with shrill desolate cries. Far down the shore, on a small pier, a group of fishermen were hauling in their load; nobody else was around. Gabrielle dipped into her bag, found the small flask and clutched it in her hand.

"Wait here, girl," she said, patting Clio's neck.

She undressed and wandered into the glittering blue surf, wincing a little as the pebbles dug into the soles of her feet. The cool water swirled at her ankles, then lapped gently at her hips, her waist, her breasts, and showered her face with tiny droplets. She closed her eyes for a moment and tasted the salt on her lips. Then she swam forward, further and further out, until she looked back and Clio was just a white spot on the grey beach. She held out her arm and unclenched her fist.

Staring into the distance, Gabrielle noticed a dark dot near the horizon. It could have been a rock, or the ship that was carrying Xena.

Gabrielle turned and swam back to the shore. At least she could be sure that the ambrosia wouldn't fall into the wrong hands -- though she hoped that someday Xena wouldn't have to do battle with a crazed immortal shark.

* ~ * ~ *

"Any more choppy waters, and I'm reconsidering this whole mortality deal. I mean, having to walk is bad enough when you're going somewhere. When it's the floor going somewhere -- that's bad.”

Ares rubbed his shoulder, sore from getting slammed into a mast before, and glanced at Xena. She stood looking out at the now-calm sea, her profile dark in the deep violet dusk.

After a moment she turned to him.

"Huh?”

"Nothing," he said.

She turned again, her hands tight on the railing, looking into the distance again, the lazy breeze swirling tendrils of her hair.

Ares stepped back and sat down on a damp burlap-covered barrel, his shoulders hunched, watching her.

Well, at least they were here on the ship together. He had had a moment of panic that morning, when, after waiting for Xena to come out, he finally went to knock on her door -- and, getting no response, had pushed the door and looked in. The sun-drenched emptiness of the room was like a ball of white lightning bursting into his consciousness: She was gone – damn it all, she had gone off with Gabrielle rather than let the girl leave. Ares lumbered toward the bed and sank down on it, breathing in hard ragged spurts. Maybe the little bitch had never meant to leave at all -- just a setup to distract him while the two of them ran off ... but no, he couldn't believe that Xena would do that to him ... maybe he wasn't even sure that Gabrielle would. There was no way he was going after them; the mere thought of it made his face burn. A nasty little voice in his head laughed at him for being such a fool, and slyly reminded him that the Amazons probably had more ambrosia left; just then, wiping the sweat from his forehead, Ares raised his eyes and noticed the chakram hooked on a bedpost. Xena could leave a lot of things behind, but not her chakram. He looked around. The hilt of Xena's sword gleamed on the small table by the window, the rest of it hidden in the shadows along with her armor. He took a deep breath and rose, his heartbeat slowing down. How stupid to get all worked up, he told himself; of course he had never really thought Xena could run out on him like that. Not now.

He was headed downstairs, to see if she was in the tavern having breakfast, when he ran into her in the hallway. She stopped, close enough for him to catch the faint scent of hay and horses on her; but there was something about her stiff posture and her blank face that seemed to shield her in an invisible cocoon. They both pretended that he didn't notice she had been crying. Ares wondered if he should tell her that he knew Gabrielle was gone; he decided it was best not to, though it almost hurt to feel her effort as she worked up the strength to tell him. Then she said, matter-of-factly, "Gabrielle left," and he didn't know what to say except, "Oh." They had barely spoken since, except about practical things.

And now, here they were, headed for Lemnos. Much of the time since the ship had sailed, Xena had been standing silently on the deck, just as she stood now. Watching her, Ares thought of waking up with her the next morning. This time it brought him no joy.

Dammit, he was not going to just sit there watching her mope around.

Ares got up and walked over to Xena. For a moment he stood by her side, gazing with her into the thickening night. The moon was bright now, a chunk of silver that threw a rippling trail over the darkened waters.

"Come on." He put his hand on her shoulder. "Let's go to the cabin.”

"Okay," she said. She turned toward him, and he moved a few strands of windswept hair from her face. The corners of her mouth quivered, and he thought he saw the tiny curve of a smile.

"Come on," he said again.

Down in the cabin, they had bread and salted fish, and talked briefly about how long the trip to Lemnos would take, depending on the weather. "It's getting late," Xena said when they had finished eating. "We should be turning in." She removed her armor and gauntlets and boots, her motions strangely deliberate and a bit slow as if she were moving in water, and finally her leather tunic, keeping only the thin linen undershirt.

She sat down next to him on the bunk, and then Ares couldn't take it anymore. He held her tight, pressing his face into her warm salty hair.

"I'll make you happy," he whispered. "I can make you happy.”

Xena's shoulders shook slightly; she sighed and twisted her body around so she could kiss him.

"Come to bed," she said softly.

He got out of his leathers, leaving them piled up on the floor. Xena blew out the oil lamp; in the darkness, he could feel the boat rock gently as he knelt in front of her and kissed her thighs, trailing his lips upwards as he pushed up her shirt. She tensed, and her hands clenched on his shoulders.

"Just come to bed," she said again.

His eyes half-used to the dark now, he could see her moving as she got under the blanket. He joined her and they huddled together, quietly kissing and stroking each other, until he was hard against her belly; she squeezed his buttocks in encouragement and breathed a husky "Yes" as he slid on top of her and lay between her thighs. She bucked under him, wrapping her legs around his hips, running her hands over his back, kissing him -- and yet - and yet -- it wasn't right. Something inside her had gone limp, dead; it was as if she were doing it out of obligation, as if she wanted to want it, wanted to persuade them both that she wanted it. He forced himself to stop moving and she arched into him again.

"Stop," he said hoarsely. "Just stop, okay?”

She sighed. "Okay...”

He pressed his lips to her cheek, then rolled off her with a small grunt and turned toward the wall, shuddering as his cock grazed the rough sheet. A dull pain was growing in his skull, and the throbbing in his groin was almost unbearable.

"I'm sorry," Xena muttered, and he felt her hand touch his shoulder, then slide down his side and over to his stomach. She started to stroke him, and he groaned, "No, don't -- " but his hips were already jerking and it was over, a wretched little orgasm that fizzled almost as soon as it began and left him feeling empty and sick.

After a few moments Ares turned and lay on his back, squirming as he felt the sticky wetness of the sheet. Disgust at mortal flesh welled inside him; there wouldn't even be a chance of a decent bath on this boat. Xena lay next to him, her skin barely touching his, and for a moment it seemed as if Gabrielle were there with them, dividing them. He drew her closer and felt her body grow rigid.

"Go to sleep," he said, patting her hair. As she settled against him, he wanted to tell her that he knew she missed Gabrielle, except that he wasn't sure how to say it or whether to say it. It was almost impossible for two people to get comfortable in such a narrow space, but if one of them were to move to the upper bunk now, it would feel like slamming a door between them.

When he woke up some time later, his muscles were stiff and he had a cramp in his neck; it was still dark, and there was no Xena. He got up and checked the upper bunk; she wasn't there either. Muttering a few curses, he pulled on his pants and went to the deck.

She stood by the railing in her leather tunic, still staring into the distance as before, her shoulders waxen in the moonlight, the wind whipping at her hair. Ares stopped behind a mast; she turned her head, and he saw the glitter of moisture on her cheek.

He didn't want her to see him; he didn't want to go back below, either. Without any particular aim, he wandered to the other side of the ship, the surface of the deck scratchy and clammy under his feet. A couple of crewmen manning the deck eyed him with idle curiosity. He stopped, leaning over the railing. The waves foamed against the side of the boat, spraying his face with a salty mist. He looked up and watched as the moon rolled behind the cover of a cloud.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ares saw a golden flash next to him and felt a warm glow brush his skin.

Aphrodite. He had forgotten all about her. Great -- of all the times to pick for a family visit...

"Hey!" she said. "Aren't you going to say hello to your sister?”

He sighed and turned. Aphrodite beamed at him, lovely as ever, a vision of pink and white and gold that made the night behind her look even blacker.

"Sis. What's up?”

"What's up? You tell me! The warrior babe's all yours now, huh? Oh, I know she's kinda bummed..." -- she gave Ares a sympathetic pout -- "I mean, duh! she loves little Gabby, probably always will. But hey -- I guess she had to pick one of you in the end, right?" She punched him lightly in the shoulder. "Way to go, bro! You won my bet for me.”

Ares stared at his sister for a moment, then swept her up and lifted her in his arms. Aphrodite giggled, startled and obviously pleased. Taken by surprise, she didn't have time to vanish into the ether when he tossed her overboard, and he felt a little better when he heard her squeal indignantly as she hit the water with a loud splash.